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What am i to you?

seharian curhat di blog terasa lebih bermartabat dibandingkan curhat di Twitter.

Jurnalis

Sejak kapan ya saya pengen jadi jurnalis? Dari kecil, saya tipe anak kecil yang hobi punya cita-cita muluk. Pernah pengen jadi Miss Universe.... zzzzzzzz... terus pengen jadi pengantin...zzzzz... yah namanya juga anak kecil yang suka sama yang serba cantik dan indah. Siapa sangka, saya tumbuh menjadi tidak secantik itu. Hahahaha. Kandaslah keinginan-keinginan menjadi supermodel. Terus kepingin jadi diplomat dengan alasan dangkal, pengen kerja di luar negeri! Tapi omongan salah seorang dosen saya bener juga sih, "Kalau mau ke luar negeri nggak perlu susah-susah kuliah HI. Jadi TKI aja!". Aduuhh.. gimana yaa... dipikir-pikir bener juga sih... Tapi saya tidak merasa menjadi seorang politikus itu apa yang benar-benar saya inginkan. Saya tidak sekritis teman-teman yang lain ketika sedang debat politik. Malah terkadang saya memilih diam dengan alasan khas orang indonesia, "takut salah!". Payah ya?

Sampai lama kelamaan saya sadar, apa sih satu hal di dunia ini yang bener-bener bisa bikin saya tersenyum? Menulis ternyata! Iya, waktu senang atau sedih rasanya lega dengan menulisnya di media apapun. Meskipun majunya teknologi mengizinkan saya menulis semuanya dalam bentuk microsoft word, tapi nothing beats paper. Beneran deh. Sampai usia 23 tahun ini kadang saya masih memilih cara konvensional menulis semuanya di sebuah buku yang jangan sampai ditemukan siapa-siapa karena isinya sangat sangat...hmmm...vulgar. Ahahaha. Nggak deng... pribadi. Ya semacam diary minus kalimat pembuka "dear diary, hari ini aku lalalala' gitu deh.

Sejak itulah saya memutuskan ingin menjadi seorang jurnalis. Dimata saya, jurnalis wanita itu sangat WOW. Meliput berita langsung ke sumbernya yang pasti tidak mudah dan harus mengelilingi dunia dengan mengemban misi melahirkan sebuah berita. 7 bulan setelah lulus kuliah, impian ingin menjadi jurnalis ini terusik setelah saya barusan rapat dengan sebuah saluran tv kabel. Mereka meminta wartawan olahraga di tempat saya bekerja untuk menjadi komentator di acara mereka. Atasan saya mengajukan nama salah seorang teman baik saya sejak kuliah yang kini menjadi wartawan di tabloid tempat saya bekerja, "Kami punya wartawan muda disini, namanya Firzie.. blablablabla". Deg. Entah kenapa ada rasa 'nyesss' di dada saya. betapa bangganya ya disebut sebagai seorang wartawan muda? Dan mendadak saya berfikir, "What Am I Doing Here?"

Brief introduction, sebelumnya saya terjebak sebagai seorang copywriter gadungan di sebuah majalah ternama. Kenapa gadungan? Karena job desc-nya agak kurang jelas. Sekarang saya malah nyemplung di bagian Marketing Communication. Memang dinamis dan seru sekali, tapi masih ada yang kurang lengkap. Hidup saya kurang lengkap tanpa menulis. Ya, saya masih ingin membangun mimpi menjadi jurnalis. Dan saya nggak pengen menulis untuk majalah franchise dari luar. Saya nggak mau cuma men-translate berita. Di tempat saya bekerja saat ini, betapa terkagum-lagum dan teriri-irinya saya pada mereka yang dikirim meliput liga-liga sepakbola ke seluruh dunia, langsung dari lokasinya! Kalau saya khatam dunia bola, tanpa berfikir panjang saya langsung melamar ke redaksi. Sayangnya, saya sudah meninggalkan kecintaan saya terhadap dunia bola bersamaan dengan Steve McManaman hengkang dari Liverpool dan memilih Real Madrid.

Saya memang tidak into politics, tapi saya mau belajar. Tata bahasa saya mungkin masih belepotan, tapi kalimat 'willing to learn' di dalam CV saya bukan basa-basi kok. Saya berniat benar-benar belajar. Kalau sudah tercapai, saya ingin mewujudkan cita-cita saya yang lain lagi, membuat sebuah buku. Tapi itu masih lama, saya ingin orang menyebut saya sebagai 'wartawati' dulu, baru sebuah buku berkualitas akan menyusul di belakangnya. Pasti orang-orang di sekitar saya bangga ya kalau impian saya terwujud? Iya, itu yang selalu saya inginkan. Karena saya yang sekarang sepertinya blm bisa dibanggakan. Belum ada yang bisa dipamerkan. Bukan berarti ingin pamer, tapi saya ingin mereka bangga memperkenalkan saya pada dunianya. Lah, jadi curhat. Hihihihi. Ya maaf ya kan memang sedang melankolis.

Singkat cerita, saya berencana meninggalkan posisi dengan bayaran menggiurkan saat ini dengan mengejar cita-cita saya yang sesungguhnya. Menjadi jurnalis!

Blab.

Nothing beats the truth,
but you know it wouldn't be smooth.
When the time is right,
you know nothing on your sight.
It'll become a perfect blurs,
the decision is yours.

Creating ideal life of your own,
what if you still got none?
With a sore throat you screamed,
just how wrong have you been.
Go through the main plan,
you'll smile in the end.

Hatred won't take its vengeance,
still you lose your energy.
Everything's in God's hands,
So please, don't worry.

(^_^)

one morning.

Ada apa dengan cinta pagi ini ya? Bukan, maksudnya bukan AADC. Setelah bangun tidur dihajar dengan ym dan sms bertubi tubi dari orang-orang terdekat, mine was not any better either. What a melancholic morning. And nothing beats five for fighting on a melancholic feeling craving for love this morning. Enjoy, people!


I'm Dying, Dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again
I'm Dying, Dying to forget about you, that you ever lived
There's a shade come over this heart that's coping with laying down to rest
I'm Dying to live without you again

I'm Dying, Dying to find a distraction, get you away from me
I'm Dying, Dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see
It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent
I'm Dying to live without you again

The first time you left I said goodbye
Now there's not a prayer that can survive

Dying, Dying to die just to come back so we can meet again
Dying, Dying to say what I always should have said
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...

I'm Dying and I can't live without you
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

Holiday

I need a holidayyyy... hari libur.. hari suci... apalah... haaaaaa....... Hawaii come to me.... ahahaha ga tau diri amat ya pengen liburannya ke Hawaii. ya kemana aja deh... beneran kemana aja deh... tuh tuh kann my hairs are falling out. Pertanda kalo stress sudah berlebih. Urat-urat di kepala menonjol. urat bercampur rambut keriting membuat saya seperti medusa.

Lie.

I don't understand why people -including me- have to lie sometime. I mean, is there such thing like white lie? All I see from a lie is, people try to save themselves from catastrophe. But don't you think it isn't fair? It isn't fair for the person you lied to. I lied to people, most of the time it was my families i lied to. well, I didn't exactly tell lies, but I stirred my word so it sounded like it wasn't my fault. teeheee.. I know that was utterly bad. But what do you want me to do? See? Lying is just a form of self savior. no matter how hard i tried to prove myself that i was lying for the sake of everybody's goodness, i'd end up proving that i'm a bad person. zzzzzzzzzz... no matter how little the lies were, you see small things really do make a difference.

And i don't know why i have to be such an emotional bitch. and relationships are just not for a person like me. Relationships could be the total nervewrecking. Mantra.... mantra... sekarang sedang berusaha mengingat mantra... 'lahir sendirian.. mati dikubur sendirian.. hidup juga harus mandiri..' ayoo... think like that! think like that!!

oh and, karma's not a bitch. It's a reminder how bitchy you were before.

All in all, being grown ups are sucks. It would be wonderful if God allowed me to be an eternal infant. ok, that's weird.

Killing Time

The rules are simple. Use Google Image to search the answers to the questions below. Then you must choose a picture in the first page of results, and post it as your answer.” After that tag 10 People.

The age of my next birthday:

ok...ok... I know... I'm old... and the clock's tickiiinggg aaaaa!!

A place I'd like to travel to:

Definitely Venice

aaaanndd.... Hawaiii!!!

Favorite Places:

Seriously, when will Indonesia have this kind of bookstore?

My bedroom. Of course this picture's not my bedroom at friggin' all. But, I'd loooove to have one like that.

Pancious Pancake House. They served the best Carbonara in town. Enough said.

Favorite Food (s):

Pasta!

Any types of fried chicken! Yummy!

Favorite Things:

Books and lots of books!

Cute dresses!

Favorite color (s):

The city I've lived in:

4 years full of adventures! :-)

A nickname I have:

Babas!

A bad habit:

I'm too lazy to do anything...

The hobbies:

Read, write and walk does really make me feel alive!
errr... I don't really want to tag everyone since people leaving blogspot lately and moving out to tumblr. I still don't understand what tumblr's for. So I guess i stick to Blogspot. Better yet, there won't be more jobless people kepo-ing my page like it used to. teeheee.

cheers.

happy birthday to meeee!

I had my 23rd birthday on May 28th and right now, 4 days after the big day I still think I should dedicate a post to it, since, i think it's one of my best day in the year 2010. It started at midnight when my boyfriend came to my lodge, and he gave me this book i've been longing to have for quite a long time. It's 'Tell All' by my favorite author in this world. Chuck Palahniuk. I remembered couple of months ago, when we were still a pair of so called bestfriend, i read news on the net about Tell All book launching program in US and I told him how I hope this book will hit jakarta right on my birthday. And, he made it came true! I had no clue about what's this book about, but remember, it's Palahniuk's so it must be worth to buy! I was sooooooo happy of course.

The day after, we decided to go to Seaworld, ancol, to reminisce the past since we haven't gone there for a loooooooooooooooong time. It's happened to be Friday on long weekend period so Seaworld was pretty jam packed with people. But we made our way around to see amazing creatures of the sea. There are turtles, sharks, seahorses, and dugong! You won't believe how much similarities that we had. Like we both love to eat and laying around wasting our time for allll daaayyy long. Haha. But it's cute though.
But one thing's odd. I don't know if Seaworld has running out of ideas for what more creatures to put in their tanks, or Indonesian people are craving for more odd things, but now Seaworld has a python in one particular tank. Not only just that. They also had this big stage full of dancing snake and other odd snake's performances to cheer up the audience. And for me, it really was just sooo weiiirrdd.....

But we had a blasting day and it was quite fun! And he was taking lots of my pictures there and i was sooo happy. really. Then we sort of running out of ideas where to go later and decided to have lunch at McD. We took a shuttle bus, along with smelly alay2. hihihi. But then you guessed it right, McD was sooo full of human and we decided to eat pizza but we have to take a long walk back to reach Pizza Hut.
We stopped in the midlle because i already felt so tired and we decided to eat at Le Bridge. The funny thing is, we're both not a romantic couple, but ironically we ate in this sea side restaurant, sit in the sofa facing the sea. Hahaha just to hear it giving a romantic bumps on you doesn't it? But for us, it's pretty funny.

We decided to go back to my lodge after that because it's pretty exhausting. the day was hot too. So we go back by taxi to kota and we rode a busway to Setiabudi. We clearly can't stop ourselves from smiling. That's not it? nope. In saturday we had lunch together with my families and it's the first time he got to meet them even though my father's not there. and he left quite a good impression on them.

All in all, this is a good start. :-)


Kok kayanya narsis banget ya abis cerita panjang lebar terus foto ini yang gue pajang2? hahahaa. Abis, to be honest, lupa terus mau ngambil fotonya dari laptop rinov. Later on I'll upload the rest of it.

Back to the old way

What's the point in turning back the time, if we might just do the same mistakes all over again, on things we cannot resist?

Moving On.

People Fall. People Learn. People get up, then moving on. that's life. But when you move on, do you have to broke other person's heart? Can't you just go away? Can't other's heart just go numb about it? why do we have to hurt and get hurt? and why do we have to have feelings? can't we just breed without feelings?

new songs!

Currently listening to TOE featuring Toki Asako and currently addicted to it. They're a band and a singer from Japan. actually, TOE is playing instrumental music but they had Toki collaborated with them to sing at this song called 86. you should listen for yourself. and if you pay attention to their lyric, it's about the Hiroshima bombing in Japan. The number 86 refers to the date of the Bombing, 8-6-1945. BRILLIANT BRILLIANT work.

8.36 AM and my boss hasn't showed up yet.

Savikalpa Samadhi refers to the initial temporary state of full-valued samadhi. The conscious mind is still active, as is the kalpa, meaning imagination. One should compare this meaning to that of sankalpa, which is "wish." Kalpa takes on a different, but related, meaning to sankalpa because one must use imagination or consciousness (kalpa) to envision a wish or desire (sankalpa). Conversely, vikalpa means "against imagination." At this final level of samadhi, the mind has become quiet and given up its desires and attendant. Vikalpa leads to the Truth, releasing one from any binds of mind (which are mostly imaginations). In Savikalpa Samadhi, we get the taste of Bliss and Beingness, but are still attached to our erroneous identification with the body as well as to our numerous worldly attractions.

I'm not involved in any form of meditation fyi so the reason I bring this topic up is because my dearest friend, Ben, introduced me to this form of meditation or samadhi in Buddhist as the way to get the things I really want in life. He said I don't really have to do the meditation part but I just have to put it deep in my brain and soul that I CAN DO IT or I CAN GET WHAT I WANT. To put those words deep in your brain, it's an easy thing to do. but to really put it in yourself, your soul and really believe that you'll get those things you want, it's a hardwork. I mean we're only human afterall and doubt often comes to mind so many times in life but by believing in it, the world and the earth become this one whole powerful package of energy that will synergize with your soul and become this one powerfull power to make everything you want in life comes true. you just have to really REALLY believing in it.

I tried these theory and you know what, some of my list of things made it ways to reality. and it made me a more positive person in a way. well by sharing these, maybe you can try it too!

books books books

I used to read a book just in my room, up in my bed. but recently I haven't got the time to even read because my mom always pushes me to get up early and follow her to the office when actually she has to arrive at the office at 7.30 while my work starts at 9. so I have to wait till it's 9 by doing anything useless in my office. Then I have to got home by myself at 5 where I'll arrive at my house at approximately 7 pm because of the traffic and it was so zzzzzzzzzz..... I've neglected my books more than ever when actually i have many books to read. but then I start to read them again but this time I read them everywhere. in the car, at the office, in front of TV in my living room. I rarely do that actually. but since my time is so limited I have to do that otherwise I won't be able to read all those books and I'd lost my english ability eventually so thank God I still can read them everywhere.

I start with a book from my brother, Second Helpings. Since the first time I entered my university life, I never ever read a high school-themed novel anymore. for me it's just too corny at times. so when I got this book, I was kinda hesitated to read it. I thought it's just not my thing. but then I had no choice since I haven't got the time to take A Clockwork Orange from Ayu and buy another Palahniuk's books, so, I read it. and it was AWESOMENESS. It's different with all those teenager's books. sure it involves lotsa love stories. But Megan McCafferty wrote it in a fun and strange ways so it looks different and fun to read at the same time. and it really can relate to my life. It got me thinking because I never told my brother the story of my life and I'm sure he just randomly picked the book so it's a very great thing he chose the right story for me. haha. so, it was like you read my mind or something brother?

But I won't spill the details. haha you should read it yourself!

woooorrrrrkiiiiiinggggg,,,,,,,,,

Lulus kuliah ternyata ada nggak enaknya juga ya. did I mention before that after I graduate actually I just want to cherish everyday more than ever by doing....hmmm...well..nothing. hehe. gue belom tiga bulan magang aja bosennya uda setengah mati, gimana kalo gue harus kerja yang kontrak setaun gitu?? zzzzz.... oh, ralat ya! gue bukannya males kerja, tapi gue males ngurusin ngelamar2, bikin2 cv, cover letter, interview2...pengennya gue tinggal ngedip trus kerjaan dtg ke gue. haha. sampah banget tp gue rasa semua org juga maunya gitu kan??
dan skrg gue uda disodok2 buat kerja sama bokap nyokap gue sementara gue masih mau les2 segala macem buat nilai tambah, masih mau foto2 underwater, sumpah yaaaa ituuuu ever so major malessssss.....

In desperate need of HOLIDAY

Sebelum lulus, gue punya tiga rencana liburan,

1) mau ke disneyland sama kania. uda mikir2 mau berangkat kapan, mau kemana aja, blablabla. terus batal gara2 bokapnya kania uda bawel nyuruh2 dia cepetan nyari sekolah s2, les dan lalala.
2) mau nyusul jessie ke lombok. mau snorkeling and other interesting seagull activities. batal gara2 jessie tau2 jadian sama danang, balik ke bandung trus ga balik2 lagi ke lombok. wassalam.
3) ngeracunin bokap nyokap gue pulang kampung ke padang. nanti gue mau curi2 waktu sehari dua hari ke sikuai. gue tau bokap gue pasti semangat banget diajakin ke tempat2 kaya gitu. eeeehhh PADANG GEMPA. batal.

trus sekarang i'm still working as an intern di unicef sih tp sumpah yaaa mulai membosankan. gue mikir gimana kalo gue kerja beneran ya? ini gue belom tiga bulan aja uda bosen, uda pengen main kemana2. di kantor uda males nanya2 kerjaan, ngebayangin pulang, nonton dvd, trus bobo. hahaha. tp enak sih abis lulus uda bisa bebas baca buku tanpa beban. sekarang lagi baja second helping, hadiah dari banu. buku tolol tentang diary anak freak di high school gitu, bikin gue ngakak2 sendiri. contohnya, waktu dia ga ada kerjaan trus di kelas dia wawancara meja, kursi, buku, benda2 mati. pertanyaannya aneh2, kaya "geli nggak waktu gue nulis di atas lo?" ahahahaha. TOLOL. anyway, itu menghibur banget sih. dan besok mau ngambil a clockwork orange di ayu. YES! susah banget nyarinya di indonesia. seneng banget gue ayu mau bawain dari Aussie.

tapi inti dari post ini adalah GUE BOSEN DAN GUE PENGEN BANGET LIBURAN. liburan bareng temen2 tanpa mereka rutinitas. pokoknya gue pengen suasana baru, PRONTO!

List of books I want to buy..

Since my 'sidang skripsi' went quite well, and before that I dont have time to read because i was trying so hard to balancing my life on the tip of my finger with all these problems, so after that I just want to grab these books right away! nggak right away juga sih, gue nggak punya duit skrg..hahaha

1) Atheis - Achdiat K.Mihardja
2) A Clockwork Orange - Anthony Burgess (uda nitip ama ayu di Aussie. tau deh dia dapet apa nggak.)
3) Fira Basuki - seri Ms.B yang baru sama Paris apaaa gt judulnya lupa. tapi harus beli!
4) Chuck Palahniuk - Stranger than Fiction sama Diary (liat di QB tp agak mahal jd harus ngumpulin duit dulu kayanya).

udah sih buku ini dulu tp pengen banget punya. ahaha. ga penting sih gue tulis, tapi gue tulis aja biar inget. hehe.

the everything

well i'm tired of writing trash blogging. this past few days i've been visiting my family in east java and believe me, it was soooo tiring and if I have a choice next time, I won't do it again. my father was the only people who can drive in the car. well my mom can, I can, but he wouldn't want us to caused any harm because it's pretty danger actually. so, I don't how it feels to be him that days where he had to drive along practically everywhere. if me, who just have to sit down and eat was feeling exhausted like hell than what about him? thank god when we're back he goes right to his massager.

tomorrow, I have to get back to work. yeah, that sucks. ever since i'm interning in UNICEF, I know the exact traffic condition in jakarta and it kills me everytime. there's traffic everywhere and don't you bother to buy an exclusive ellegant car in jakarta since the motorcycles who fly around you will hit your car here and there anyway. and it's so frustrating. what if I had to drive my own car someday? just kill me. later on the thought of looking for a job outside jakarta haunt myself. I mean, I'm not the kind of person who can live far away from malls and shops since shopping is my favorite activities and I don't really like hang around because i'll get bored. then the plan comes to mind where i want to work in.... BALI! yes, i think i'll fit there since there are so many shopping centres bars and clubs everywhere. so, it'll be fun i guess! and i'm really looking forward to it. images of my riding bycicle along the beach lines, tanning on the beach, go surfing and snorkeling, back to work in surfaids. waaawww that's great. hahaha. that if i'll be lucky enough to get in Surfaids. but I won't wind working in a five star hotels too because i might find some interesting foreigners too! hahaha. ok that's too far.

ok what else, ooohhh I got a present from my brother and it's the very first surprising present I got from him. several times he gave me band t-shirts aa a present but it was me who requested it. but this time, he bought this thick english books and gave it to me without any notification where it surprised me in a good way. hope you will get semakin banyak rezeki mas!! i really do hope so.

my mentor called me stupid yesterday

No hard feelings. I know the situation is kinda harsh yesterday. it's clear that we're already sick of each other, we're so fed up of each other's words. then he called me stupid and I know I am. it's partly my fault too. but that's the point where I decided, I'm done with this horrible creature called nyoman sudira. I don't care if I have to get B C or even D for my thesis. they're much more better than having to deal with him for one more semester. the very first person whom I share this story with was Mahel. I know he's the one who will understands me the most since it's happenned to him before he's graduated. and he's really supportive. he wrote this in his shout out:

Dear Mr. INS, you call me stupid, you call my friends stupid. You broke our heart whenever we enter your room, you always make us feel inadequate just because you are Ph.D and we are just university students. But in the end you will see: YOU WON'...;T STOP US!! (Dedicated to my friend Dwitya Indiana Basitha, Shinta Wisnu Gupta, Ines Pamungkas, Klara Maria Dara dan semua yang tidak sempat tersebut)

hahaha see?? a day after everybody knew my story and gave me alot of support. thank you guys! I love you very much!

I kinda miss my old life.

in the mood to blog!

I knew I've been neglected my blog like batshit crazy but I'm sooooo busy with my new job! I worked at UNICEF for almost one month. eventhough i'm just there as an intern but i work full time, 9 to 5 and i've learned a lot from this. they put me in the retail section which make me had to deal with UNICEF's stores for charity all around jakarta and bandung. I have to make lists about what's in and what's out. what things are need to be delivered today or tomorrow. went to the storage to see the exact things and the codes, deal with buyers and etc etc. I know it's not match my degree in college but it sure is will help me if someday i got to own my own boutiques and bookstores. because of this job, I know what will I have to do if I own them. so it gives me a lot. not to mention my very kind boss, Ms.Nina. I told her that I'm not done with my study yet so I have to go back and forth to bandung for several times and she allows me to do that. she even tried to get me go home faster than any other employees for several particular time. you can't ask for a better boss!

I really enjoy it here since I learned so many new things, and I got the chance to make some new friends and know the working condition where the people are sooo different than college and it's scary sometimes because you never know which one is good or bad.
and I get to make some money!! haha. it's not a real salary though. not even half of my brother's salary, but I satisfied with it. you know, having your own money and really earned them until you don't have the guts to spend it. haha that's me. so, hope everything will work out well. at least until november then i'll come up with my new plan.