Moving On.

People Fall. People Learn. People get up, then moving on. that's life. But when you move on, do you have to broke other person's heart? Can't you just go away? Can't other's heart just go numb about it? why do we have to hurt and get hurt? and why do we have to have feelings? can't we just breed without feelings?

new songs!

Currently listening to TOE featuring Toki Asako and currently addicted to it. They're a band and a singer from Japan. actually, TOE is playing instrumental music but they had Toki collaborated with them to sing at this song called 86. you should listen for yourself. and if you pay attention to their lyric, it's about the Hiroshima bombing in Japan. The number 86 refers to the date of the Bombing, 8-6-1945. BRILLIANT BRILLIANT work.

8.36 AM and my boss hasn't showed up yet.

Savikalpa Samadhi refers to the initial temporary state of full-valued samadhi. The conscious mind is still active, as is the kalpa, meaning imagination. One should compare this meaning to that of sankalpa, which is "wish." Kalpa takes on a different, but related, meaning to sankalpa because one must use imagination or consciousness (kalpa) to envision a wish or desire (sankalpa). Conversely, vikalpa means "against imagination." At this final level of samadhi, the mind has become quiet and given up its desires and attendant. Vikalpa leads to the Truth, releasing one from any binds of mind (which are mostly imaginations). In Savikalpa Samadhi, we get the taste of Bliss and Beingness, but are still attached to our erroneous identification with the body as well as to our numerous worldly attractions.

I'm not involved in any form of meditation fyi so the reason I bring this topic up is because my dearest friend, Ben, introduced me to this form of meditation or samadhi in Buddhist as the way to get the things I really want in life. He said I don't really have to do the meditation part but I just have to put it deep in my brain and soul that I CAN DO IT or I CAN GET WHAT I WANT. To put those words deep in your brain, it's an easy thing to do. but to really put it in yourself, your soul and really believe that you'll get those things you want, it's a hardwork. I mean we're only human afterall and doubt often comes to mind so many times in life but by believing in it, the world and the earth become this one whole powerful package of energy that will synergize with your soul and become this one powerfull power to make everything you want in life comes true. you just have to really REALLY believing in it.

I tried these theory and you know what, some of my list of things made it ways to reality. and it made me a more positive person in a way. well by sharing these, maybe you can try it too!

books books books

I used to read a book just in my room, up in my bed. but recently I haven't got the time to even read because my mom always pushes me to get up early and follow her to the office when actually she has to arrive at the office at 7.30 while my work starts at 9. so I have to wait till it's 9 by doing anything useless in my office. Then I have to got home by myself at 5 where I'll arrive at my house at approximately 7 pm because of the traffic and it was so zzzzzzzzzz..... I've neglected my books more than ever when actually i have many books to read. but then I start to read them again but this time I read them everywhere. in the car, at the office, in front of TV in my living room. I rarely do that actually. but since my time is so limited I have to do that otherwise I won't be able to read all those books and I'd lost my english ability eventually so thank God I still can read them everywhere.

I start with a book from my brother, Second Helpings. Since the first time I entered my university life, I never ever read a high school-themed novel anymore. for me it's just too corny at times. so when I got this book, I was kinda hesitated to read it. I thought it's just not my thing. but then I had no choice since I haven't got the time to take A Clockwork Orange from Ayu and buy another Palahniuk's books, so, I read it. and it was AWESOMENESS. It's different with all those teenager's books. sure it involves lotsa love stories. But Megan McCafferty wrote it in a fun and strange ways so it looks different and fun to read at the same time. and it really can relate to my life. It got me thinking because I never told my brother the story of my life and I'm sure he just randomly picked the book so it's a very great thing he chose the right story for me. haha. so, it was like you read my mind or something brother?

But I won't spill the details. haha you should read it yourself!

woooorrrrrkiiiiiinggggg,,,,,,,,,

Lulus kuliah ternyata ada nggak enaknya juga ya. did I mention before that after I graduate actually I just want to cherish everyday more than ever by doing....hmmm...well..nothing. hehe. gue belom tiga bulan magang aja bosennya uda setengah mati, gimana kalo gue harus kerja yang kontrak setaun gitu?? zzzzz.... oh, ralat ya! gue bukannya males kerja, tapi gue males ngurusin ngelamar2, bikin2 cv, cover letter, interview2...pengennya gue tinggal ngedip trus kerjaan dtg ke gue. haha. sampah banget tp gue rasa semua org juga maunya gitu kan??
dan skrg gue uda disodok2 buat kerja sama bokap nyokap gue sementara gue masih mau les2 segala macem buat nilai tambah, masih mau foto2 underwater, sumpah yaaaa ituuuu ever so major malessssss.....

In desperate need of HOLIDAY

Sebelum lulus, gue punya tiga rencana liburan,

1) mau ke disneyland sama kania. uda mikir2 mau berangkat kapan, mau kemana aja, blablabla. terus batal gara2 bokapnya kania uda bawel nyuruh2 dia cepetan nyari sekolah s2, les dan lalala.
2) mau nyusul jessie ke lombok. mau snorkeling and other interesting seagull activities. batal gara2 jessie tau2 jadian sama danang, balik ke bandung trus ga balik2 lagi ke lombok. wassalam.
3) ngeracunin bokap nyokap gue pulang kampung ke padang. nanti gue mau curi2 waktu sehari dua hari ke sikuai. gue tau bokap gue pasti semangat banget diajakin ke tempat2 kaya gitu. eeeehhh PADANG GEMPA. batal.

trus sekarang i'm still working as an intern di unicef sih tp sumpah yaaa mulai membosankan. gue mikir gimana kalo gue kerja beneran ya? ini gue belom tiga bulan aja uda bosen, uda pengen main kemana2. di kantor uda males nanya2 kerjaan, ngebayangin pulang, nonton dvd, trus bobo. hahaha. tp enak sih abis lulus uda bisa bebas baca buku tanpa beban. sekarang lagi baja second helping, hadiah dari banu. buku tolol tentang diary anak freak di high school gitu, bikin gue ngakak2 sendiri. contohnya, waktu dia ga ada kerjaan trus di kelas dia wawancara meja, kursi, buku, benda2 mati. pertanyaannya aneh2, kaya "geli nggak waktu gue nulis di atas lo?" ahahahaha. TOLOL. anyway, itu menghibur banget sih. dan besok mau ngambil a clockwork orange di ayu. YES! susah banget nyarinya di indonesia. seneng banget gue ayu mau bawain dari Aussie.

tapi inti dari post ini adalah GUE BOSEN DAN GUE PENGEN BANGET LIBURAN. liburan bareng temen2 tanpa mereka rutinitas. pokoknya gue pengen suasana baru, PRONTO!

List of books I want to buy..

Since my 'sidang skripsi' went quite well, and before that I dont have time to read because i was trying so hard to balancing my life on the tip of my finger with all these problems, so after that I just want to grab these books right away! nggak right away juga sih, gue nggak punya duit skrg..hahaha

1) Atheis - Achdiat K.Mihardja
2) A Clockwork Orange - Anthony Burgess (uda nitip ama ayu di Aussie. tau deh dia dapet apa nggak.)
3) Fira Basuki - seri Ms.B yang baru sama Paris apaaa gt judulnya lupa. tapi harus beli!
4) Chuck Palahniuk - Stranger than Fiction sama Diary (liat di QB tp agak mahal jd harus ngumpulin duit dulu kayanya).

udah sih buku ini dulu tp pengen banget punya. ahaha. ga penting sih gue tulis, tapi gue tulis aja biar inget. hehe.

the everything

well i'm tired of writing trash blogging. this past few days i've been visiting my family in east java and believe me, it was soooo tiring and if I have a choice next time, I won't do it again. my father was the only people who can drive in the car. well my mom can, I can, but he wouldn't want us to caused any harm because it's pretty danger actually. so, I don't how it feels to be him that days where he had to drive along practically everywhere. if me, who just have to sit down and eat was feeling exhausted like hell than what about him? thank god when we're back he goes right to his massager.

tomorrow, I have to get back to work. yeah, that sucks. ever since i'm interning in UNICEF, I know the exact traffic condition in jakarta and it kills me everytime. there's traffic everywhere and don't you bother to buy an exclusive ellegant car in jakarta since the motorcycles who fly around you will hit your car here and there anyway. and it's so frustrating. what if I had to drive my own car someday? just kill me. later on the thought of looking for a job outside jakarta haunt myself. I mean, I'm not the kind of person who can live far away from malls and shops since shopping is my favorite activities and I don't really like hang around because i'll get bored. then the plan comes to mind where i want to work in.... BALI! yes, i think i'll fit there since there are so many shopping centres bars and clubs everywhere. so, it'll be fun i guess! and i'm really looking forward to it. images of my riding bycicle along the beach lines, tanning on the beach, go surfing and snorkeling, back to work in surfaids. waaawww that's great. hahaha. that if i'll be lucky enough to get in Surfaids. but I won't wind working in a five star hotels too because i might find some interesting foreigners too! hahaha. ok that's too far.

ok what else, ooohhh I got a present from my brother and it's the very first surprising present I got from him. several times he gave me band t-shirts aa a present but it was me who requested it. but this time, he bought this thick english books and gave it to me without any notification where it surprised me in a good way. hope you will get semakin banyak rezeki mas!! i really do hope so.

my mentor called me stupid yesterday

No hard feelings. I know the situation is kinda harsh yesterday. it's clear that we're already sick of each other, we're so fed up of each other's words. then he called me stupid and I know I am. it's partly my fault too. but that's the point where I decided, I'm done with this horrible creature called nyoman sudira. I don't care if I have to get B C or even D for my thesis. they're much more better than having to deal with him for one more semester. the very first person whom I share this story with was Mahel. I know he's the one who will understands me the most since it's happenned to him before he's graduated. and he's really supportive. he wrote this in his shout out:

Dear Mr. INS, you call me stupid, you call my friends stupid. You broke our heart whenever we enter your room, you always make us feel inadequate just because you are Ph.D and we are just university students. But in the end you will see: YOU WON'...;T STOP US!! (Dedicated to my friend Dwitya Indiana Basitha, Shinta Wisnu Gupta, Ines Pamungkas, Klara Maria Dara dan semua yang tidak sempat tersebut)

hahaha see?? a day after everybody knew my story and gave me alot of support. thank you guys! I love you very much!

I kinda miss my old life.

in the mood to blog!

I knew I've been neglected my blog like batshit crazy but I'm sooooo busy with my new job! I worked at UNICEF for almost one month. eventhough i'm just there as an intern but i work full time, 9 to 5 and i've learned a lot from this. they put me in the retail section which make me had to deal with UNICEF's stores for charity all around jakarta and bandung. I have to make lists about what's in and what's out. what things are need to be delivered today or tomorrow. went to the storage to see the exact things and the codes, deal with buyers and etc etc. I know it's not match my degree in college but it sure is will help me if someday i got to own my own boutiques and bookstores. because of this job, I know what will I have to do if I own them. so it gives me a lot. not to mention my very kind boss, Ms.Nina. I told her that I'm not done with my study yet so I have to go back and forth to bandung for several times and she allows me to do that. she even tried to get me go home faster than any other employees for several particular time. you can't ask for a better boss!

I really enjoy it here since I learned so many new things, and I got the chance to make some new friends and know the working condition where the people are sooo different than college and it's scary sometimes because you never know which one is good or bad.
and I get to make some money!! haha. it's not a real salary though. not even half of my brother's salary, but I satisfied with it. you know, having your own money and really earned them until you don't have the guts to spend it. haha that's me. so, hope everything will work out well. at least until november then i'll come up with my new plan.

selamat menjalankan ibadah puasa!!

Loves It!

Everytime me and my girls talk about sex and the city they always thought i'm the samantha. you know, wild, careless and love to try new things. But actually, I love carrie more than Samantha. I mean, she's smart and she has her own column in a New York Post. I remember some episodes where Carrie met this amazing guy, Aiden Shaw, who loves her very much and he has everything a girl could ask for. he's all that. and they gone through this amazing relationship. however, Carrie cheated behind his back, with mr.big. she thought Aiden is the one she needs but Big is the one she wants. at the end she confessed everything to aiden and they ended their relationship eventhough she didn't end up with Big either. end of story. no. sometimes later, carrie met Aiden once again. accidentally. By the time, Aiden was already being with someone. then something strucked Carrie. like the old man says 'you don't know what you got till it's gone'. she knew right there and then she wants aiden, she still loves him. eventhough she has hurt him but she knew it was a mistake. she took him for granted but she regret it. and then she strives to get him back. being a pain in the ass for Aiden, follow him everywhere. but then they get back together. Aiden forgiae her and they even move together. happy ending? no. at the end aiden proposed to her but she refused thinking that she's not sure if married to aiden is what she wants with her life.

courtesy of Harper's Bazaar US

God I love these pics. but these are a photo spread pictures for some magazine. But I found some more interesting pictures of Carrie and Aiden from their scenes, so it's more touching I think.
I remember this scene. it's when they ended their first relationship. eventhough they still love each other but Aiden couldn't accept what carrie did behind her back. which i think it adds up more sad feeling to it's stories.
and it's when they're ended their second relationship. they knew they love each other very much and care about each other. but living together has drive them crazy sometimes till they get to the part where they're not sure if being together for the rest of their lives is what they really want.
and I hate it when Mr. Big took her back. But come ooooonnn. it wouldn't be an interesting story if she ends up with Aiden Shaw.

the new page.

I start looking for a job. there's some positions I really want in some offices and I need your best wish so that maybe it could bring me some luck. you know I'm lying around too much. but lately, I can't work on my thesis but I don't have other things to do either, at the end I was just mourning my lost all day. I have to change that. I have to be something of my own. Maybe I can't sing in band, I just sing in inul vista. Maybe can't have my own hairsalon, and that's really not my thing. I mean, cutting people's hair??? are you kidding?? I might cut their head along with the hair. But maybe I can work. work my ass off until I get what I want. Maybe I can learn to be a real hardworker. that's life right? life is a hardwork. So I have to earn every achievement and accept every failure. I want to be a writer. I have to earn that, no, STRIVE! I have to prove that I'm exist. this isn't a competition. I was wrong. this is my own game, where I have to prove my capability to the world so that I might have something to hold on to when it's happen again and again. like, maybe she owns that boutique, she plays a guitar, I can say, "SO WHAT? I"M A WRITER AND I LOVE WHAT I DO. I DON"T CARE WHAT YOU DO. we have different talents I won't bother thinking about having talents that you have. we succeed in our own way afterall."

someday, I want to say that out loud. I wish myself some luck.

I'm doooooneeeeeeee...

I was growing up in a religious institutions as a kid and a teenager. I went through some famous muslim schools which later make me so tired of those renungan rohani things. The thing where you have to sit down on the floor, bowing to the ground, closing your eyes then you hear one of your mentors told you some sad stories, about how you'd been a pain in the ass to your parents, how you'd been a sinner etc etc. i mean, none of that is wrong and I do believe they have a good intentions showing it. But i'm sick of those crying voice. you knoe the one that goes "huuuhuuu..." or "hiks hiks..." or everything. I've felt like biggest sinner ever in some part of my life but I never felt so close to god like when I'm alone and chanting my prayers alone, only me and HIM know. but hearing those snorting voices made me angry like, 'ganggu banget si lo?' haha sorry if i'm too harsh. hahaha. but it really is the fact.

maybe it's based on the fact that i'm bored shitless. i went to this religious seminary at my mom's office and it's fun. WAY MORE FUN than what i've thought. and i've absorbed so many new informations and knowledges i've never known before. but it was sooo loooong. we started at 8 in the morning where I've arrived at the location at 7 am. then we go all the way till 7 pm. i literally want to die. tired. i enjoyed the renungan rohani part cause i think it made you realized your sins but then i'm done with all those snorting voices. HAAAAA!!!
I went through a lotta these for the rest of mylife resulting numb feelings toward sensitive issues like these. I was not crying not even a single tears. I just wanted to go home for that I couldn't concentrate. hahaha

aaaarrrggghh

di bandung, kemana2 naik angkot, jalan kaki, nebeng orang. pake t-shirt sama jeans aja nggak masalah. jalan ke pusat perbelanjaan juga cuek aja. namanya juga kota pelajar, paling ketemu cw2 lain gayanya jg nggak jauh beda sama gue. kecuali sabtu yang jd agak rame ya...

begitu balik ke jakarta, tujuan hang out nomor satu: mall. karena segala ada. dan gue nggak pernah ngerasa sekekurangan baju kaya sekarang2 ini di jakarta. kalo lagi ke mall berasanya dekil banget. sementara yang lain kinclong2 parah. dan gue mulai menyesal wasting my money for all those t-shirts. I should've bought girly tanktops or dresses instead.

shit.

I want these...

gue sadar sih makin lama blog gue makin sampah.. tapi yaaa suka2 gue kan yaaa. ini kan blog gueee... kalo males baca ya nggak usah bacaa.. hahaha.

jadi kemarin gue ke ladies bazaar kan di citos. terus gue bertujuan beli sendal dan warnanya HARUS silver karena sendal silver gue udah di ujung maut. bentar lagi copot talinya meskipun masih gue pake kemana2 juga sih biar agak oglek2 dikit. naaahh terus liat sendal indiahe lucu bangeeeeettttt. bukan yg ada kincring2nya gt sih.. tp ada manik2 silvernya gt lucu banget sumpaaaahhh. tapi harganya 350rb. sampah deh. kalo itu flats masih gue bela2in kali. tapi ini hanya sandal!!! yang bakal gue pake hampir tiap hari tiap saat (karena silver goes with almost anything) terus berapa bulan juga uda bakal butut. yaaahh jadi batal beli deh. cumaaa I still want an indiahe sandals! or at least an india look alike sandal deh nggak apa2 juga.
kaya gini kali yaa? tapi maunya yang less heboh jangan yang kincring2 banget kaya gini. oh dan warnanya pengennya silver biar bisa dipake terus.

terus pengen see through blouse! buat sidang. abis kalo sidang nggak mungkin pake tank top gitu kaaan dalemnya pasti harus kemeja. tapi gue males gerah. tapi emang dasar gue deh, bab4 aja belom beres2. gue malah lebih musingin pake baju apa ntar pas sidang sama wisuda ketimbang masalah substansi. hahahaha.dan gue nggak tau kenapa pas gue search ini yang keluar banyakan gambar bokepnya drpd gambar baju fashionnya. hahaha.

udah sih.. dua ini doang yang gue lagi pengen banget. pengennya bukan yang pengen2 nggak mungkin kesampean gt. pengennya bener2 pengen beli! so if anyone of you know where to get these, please inform me! thank you!

I HATE SUNDAY!

I know the tagline I hate Monday but for me Monday is a fresh start. Go out, meet some friends, laughing so hard etc. But I like it anyway. at the contrary, I hate Sunday for sure. I don't know why do people always being so lazy at this day when actually I wanna go out, eat somewhere, shopping or whatever but all they care about is laying down in front of tv which shows you some tacky 'sinetron' or another lame shows. So, I turn to my blog and fill this!!


1. how old are you?
22

2. are you single?
sadly, yes

3. at what age do you think you'll get married?
I had several psychic people read my palm and they said I would be marry at 27 which I think it's ok for me. ok? not? on? you think?

4. do you think you'll marrying the person you are with now?
who's the person I am with now?? I'm with no one.

5. if not, who do you want to marry?
I know God has plan for us, someone that's meant for us. but still, I want to marry.... Brandon Boyd. haha. kidding. I want to marry a guy with glasses on his eyes.

6. who will be your bridesmaid & bestman?
Bridesmaid: vira olla jablay sukma bacok hahahaha banyak ya.. bodo biar ga pilih kasih.
Bestman : Rengga ben rean choki chaki

7. do you want a garden/beach or traditional wedding?
I want a modern wedding. I want it to be an indoor wedding but I'll have the decorator makes it looks like it's outdoor in a beautiful secret garden.

8. where do you plan to go on honeymoon?
some place with romantic ambience. Maldives maybe? and it surely is will involve lots of SEX! hahahaha.

9. how many guests do you think you'll invite?
closest friends for about 250. family will only attend the akad nikah.

10. will that include your exes?
I have no idea. Exes are a sensitive issues don't you think? So I reaaly have no idea.

11. how many layers of cake do you want?
I don't know. I just hope it will be suuupppeeeerrr deliciouuussss... and must involve lots of chocolate!!

12. when do you want to get married, morning or evening?
the ceremony in morning aaannnddd the reception at night. with beautiful lights and candles around the room.

13. name the song/tune you'd like to play at your wedding.?
I finally found someone. it's been my choice since I was at my elementary school! hahaha.

14. do you prefer fine dining or just normal spoon&fork?knife?
fine dining.

15. champagne or red wine?
both plus all cocktail, sweet alcoholic drinks, name it!

16. honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
I don't care. it's always a honeymoon as long as i'm with him. hahahaha. ih sampah banget gue rayuan gombal.

17. money or household items?
money... I can choose the household items by myself. it has to match my house's decorations which will involve a lot of reds and blacks.

18. how many kids would you like to have?
4! I'd love to have a big family of my own.

19. will you record your honeymoon in DVD/CD?
yaaaeeeeyaaalaaaaahh menurut L???

20. whose wedding plan would you like to know next?
everyone who read this!! share your wedding plan would you?? terutama vira! HEH, gue tau lo uda kabita banget! hahaha

ini kayanya gue tau nih siapa yang bakal jadi kaya gini,

hahahahahahahahahaha....

congratulations Icha & Tody

Last saturday was one of my bestgirl's wedding. They've been together for 8 years and they decided to get married since they've been part of each families either. so, that saturday, it was a sunny day, boiling hot I must say, but it didn't decrease the lovely atmosphere there. it was just a small party but everything went great. the decoration is so beautiful, the food is delicious, the wedding singers have a beautiful voice and sang beautiful songs. it was GREAT! here are some of the highlights:

They legally married! now they are a husband and a wife. awww...

Panitia bagian repot sama bagian heboh. hahahaha.
Us and the bride. she's glowingly beautiful that day. at first she looked kinda nervous but when the ijab kabul done, she couldn't stop her lips from smiling. aaahhh we're sooo happy for you cha.
Us and the chubby groom. hahaha. aduuh tody no offense tapi muka lo bener2 nggak husband material deh.. hahaha

the flower throwing section! it was chaotic. the girls out there were screaming and jumping like crazy to get the flower. you know there's this belief which says, anyone who got the flower will be the next to marry. hahaha. ketauan kan kalo uda pada kebelet. actually, ayu got the flower. but dieska and putri were sooo desperate to get it too, so they insist Ayu to take this phoyo, pretending that they got the flower. hahaha. GOBLOK LO BERDUA. liat deh mukanya yano uda males git seolah mengatakan, "apaan sih? cuma bunga doang juga.." hahahaha
at first, they put me as the frontliner altogether with margie, vivin and fiona. but we got bored easily and there's not so many people coming either, so we abandoned the front desk and blending with another audience. bad..bad..habit...
the wedding trophy from us for icha! it makes us wonder, who will be the next to receive this trophy? hahahahaha. ayu kali ya? kan dia yang dapet bunga. haha.

afterall, the ceremony went great. it was filled with laughter everywhere, so bless you guys. may you live hapilly ever after. *hugs and kisses*